VOTE NOW: Nottingham’s WORST Night Out

Justin Guthrie

Where’s hot and where’s Nott?

Nottingham: a city famed for its gun crime, Robin Hood and eclectic student nightlife.

But, for all the hype about a big night out on the town, are our clubs actually any good?

Do the edgy kids really enjoy the blinding lasers and unrelenting bass of The Lacehouse? Has anyone ever gone to Gatecrasher and not got lost within thirty seconds? And is it truly possible to ignore that Ocean smell?

From the gropey and overcrowded to the dingy and neglected, it’s time for YOU to decide, once and for all, the title of Nottingham’s Worst Night Out.

Market Bar

Market Bar busy

Damp, dark and exciting for all of ten minutes, if the British Summer was a nightclub, it would most certainly be Market Bar. With an inexplicably long queue and one monotonous house track seemingly on repeat, nights such as DIVE turn out to be about as sociable as the sweaty bloke pressed up against you.

Minor upsides include cool points for attending and plenty of ‘edgy’ clothes to laugh smugly at.

Wavey garms, bro

Wavey garms, bro

Gatecrasher

gatecrasher stairs we hate you

Formerly an ‘official’ UoN club (until some bright spark at the Students’ Union realised that no one ever actually went) Gatecrasher continues to retain countless logistical problems.

With approximately twenty billion stairs and a similar number of rooms, it is physically impossible to not get separated from your friends in Gatecrasher’s labyrinthine passages. Still, at least all that stumbling from top floor to dance floor will burn off the overpriced Jagerbombs.

The Forum

forum so busy

The conclusion to countless Student Clubber bar crawls, Forum is something of an enigma. Despite seeming to forever maintain a queue that literally stretches around the corner, Forum is never busy inside or any good.

With its bizarre and barely reachable podiums causing more accidents than an untrained puppy, Forum exists in a permanent state of Fresher occupation (all of whom happen to possess the unbridled enthusiasm of an untrained puppy).

The Lacehouse

lacehouse shit lasers

If you like snapbacks, not being able to have an audible conversation and a light scheme that is half school-disco chic, half sci-fi laser beam, The Lacehouse is the underground club for you.

With walls sweating more than a dyslexic on Countdown and pupils rounder than a fresher who’s just discovered Domino’s vouchers, The Lacehouse is definitely not the most gregarious venue in Nottingham.

Ocean

ocean 1

Without doubt Nottingham’s most (in)famous night, you’ll be hard pressed to find a student who has the self-restraint to avoid dipping their toes in the Ocean at least once a year.

However, does Ocean deserve its legendary status? It smells worse than that cheese you left at the back of your fridge for the entirety of second year, the music’s as predictable as the Saturday morning hangover and Baywatch should come with a health warning – with all those shirts flying around, you’ll have to be like a midget at a urinal: on your toes.

  • Jack Savory

    Quick, someone feed the topless guy in the Ocean photo!

  • Robert Wall

    The guy who wrote this is clearly a pecker that never goes out. “walls sweating like a dyslexic on countdown” – hardly appropriate either.

    • Jimothy Floor

      Robert Wall I am suspicious that you have seemed to take umbrage at our esteemed journalist’s simile because you have misunderstood him. Mr. Wall, he wasn’t referring to you, or a collective group of your family members, The Walls. He was in fact referring to the flat, smooth barriers at the end of each room. Your apology for the confusion is humbly accepted.

  • Oli

    Well isn’t this guy an ignorant, miserable prick. Feel sorry for him.

  • Anonymous

    Why is the sports editor writing this?
    Guess that explains why Crisis isn’t on there.

  • Anonymous

    When do we get to vote on worst writer for The Tab?

    • Anon

      I hope there’s an “all of the above” option.

  • Anonymous

    No Crisis?

  • Jack Wilson

    Market Bar is a great night out. If you dont get it, you’re more than welcome to fuck off to baa bar across the road to drink watered down vodka and party with the chavs.

    I love market bar! – agree with the rest of the list though, although probably need to add oceania and rock city to it – both are dog shit.

  • Anonymous

    To be fair this just reads like a list of places the writer doesn’t like.

  • Anonymous

    In all seriousness, why is OCEANA not on this list when it is clearly the worst night out in Nottingham!?

  • Jack

    Ermmmm … Oceana. Worst night ever.

  • Anonymous

    Why is Oceana not on this list?

  • Amy

    Getting a bit of déjà vu here… Less than 6 months ago wasn’t this impacts leading article?? Would be nice to see a bit more originality.

    • wrong again

      nope, idiot

    • Justin Guthrie

      haha very good point Amy, I completely forgot that impact were the first publication ever to write about nightclubs

      Either way, their article (nearly a year ago now according to Google) was on the best venues in Nottingham. We’re simply rounding off their work for them

  • http://JoshKaplan.co.uk Josh Kaplan

    Oceana is not amusing, it is just deeply depressing how awful it is.

  • Gaffers

    As for bad nights, I was once urinated on in Crisis… in the main room!

    Oh and if we’re all on the cyberbullying bandwagon… errm… Guthrie has a gammy leg! Fact!

  • Mmmbop

    This article is terrible. your research must have taken you around 20 minutes and its just totally bias.

    A random selection of clubs and bars!!. You don’t even include all of the really bad clubs. It seems to me that you are targeting the Lace House here as they seem very singled out on the list and do not follow suit with genre/classification.

    Typing OCEAN in upper-case is almost attracting attention to click on it.

    You have pointed out the obvious and not debated anything.

    Market bar = druggies.
    Gatecrasher = Townies
    The Forum = Freshers/1st years
    The Lace House = Standard bar that turns in to a club. Also full of townies.
    Ocean = Stinks and is full of sports societies.

    That pretty much sums up your entire article.

    I’m not an amazing writer yet I don’t need to be. If you are going to write articles then please learn how to write. Especially if you are going to be slating something. It is only setting yourself up to be set on fire and pissed on.

    • Justin Guthrie

      If by “research”, you mean 20 minutes of looking through Ocean’s Facebook photo album, then yes, yes it did

    • Jimothy Floor

      Mmmbop you are officially a moron.This article isn’t the offical Lonely Planet guide to Nottingham’s night life. It is meant to be funny. And exaggerative. That’s why Mr. Guthrie has done the unthinkable and used capital letters when writing the word OCEAN. Shit. There it is again. Did that offend you? Best of all though, this article is beautiful merely for the fact that it evokes a reaction from idiots like you. So thanks. Thanks Very MUCH.

    • Gaffers

      I was quite literally pissed on in Crisis. But fortunately not set ablaze.

  • Anonymous

    Why is everyone getting so pissed at this article? So many comments.. for such a simple answer. who gives a damn who wrote the piece or why Oceana isn’t on there??

    Surely we all know in our hearts the answer is, and always will be Gatecrasher.

  • Anonymous

    This article is hilarious, so true! Definitely should have included Oceana and Crisis though

  • Anonymous

    Just stick to non-uni nights. Solution.

  • hallward

    even hallward is better than gatecrasher

  • George

    Where’s Coco Tang?

  • http://j Anonymous

    Sad to see The Forum on this list. It’s long been a favourite of mine.

  • kristi

    I’m putting a night on at Lacehouse on 6th December but it ain’t gunna be any of these things. This time there will be BANDS playing in the middle of the floor so the PA surrounds you. It will be cool and you should all come to change your mind about the lacehouse being a bad night out.

    https://www.facebook.com/events/222698577898530/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

  • Adameus

    This article is very funny and very true.
    The haters on here are the clearly sub-mental fans of the mentioned clubs and can’t understand why their terrible lack of self esteem and taste is a source of amusement for people who aren’t sheep.

    • Dolly

      Baaaaaaa

  • sucka ma balls

    There are a lot of trent trolls on this page. The tab isn’t for Poly uni’s.

    • fyi

      *unis

      (If you want to insult Trent, please at least /consider/ using proper grammar. That way it looks just a tiny bit less pathetic.)

      (It’s still kind of sad. FYI.)

  • Kewl tab journalist 123

    Ocean is by far the b3st!!!!”111

    THEY play all the tunes from the radio with chris moyls aNd scot mills andd….. best of all…. bay watch 1D (omg111) and bewitched.

    get down there if we all can’t resits a dip in the OCEAN at some point :p

  • Lucas

    Although I hate to say it, Rock City deserves a mention.
    After a four year absence from Notts, I arrive back only to find the Saturday night playlist unchanged.
    I imagine it’s the attitude of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’.
    …but it most definitely is broke.

  • AlAN RAMROD

    I TELL YOU WHAAT IS A BAD NIGHT, A REALL BAD NIGHT. ONE DAY ME AND MYY HOUSEBUDS WENT TO PICTURE AND PIANO AND IT WAS JUSST AWFUL. I DIDNT FEEL SAFE PLAYING IN THAT CLUB. THE WOMEN AS WELL. JESUS, THE WOMEN.